Ten Rules of Bus Etiquette

     I don't understand.

     Well, I do. That woman on the bus, see, was simply not content with sharing space with the fellow beside her. My friend thinks she might have some sort of social anxiety, which would certainly make taking the bus a living hell.

     That said, it's the third time she's switched spots.

     I feel like there's a a certain breakdown of where people are 'expected' to sit in public transit. Single seats are golden. They would definitely be shining if no one was sitting on them. In terms of kick-ass breakfast foods, single seats on the bus are the bacon at the buffet -- impossible to get if you're riding between six in the morning and ten at night (it could be a better analogy).

     Second tier? See those beautiful, two-across seats kinda scattered from bus to bus? You guaranteed two things when you grab one: one side free, and zero - ZERO - qualms about having to stay standing for the duration of the ride. For those wondering, there are three positions you can assume when you ride the bus: sitting down, standing up, and falling down. It is my personal goal to stick with the first two.

     Also, three across seats - unless you're in the middle. See, that's where this woman started, so I understand. When you're crammed between two complete strangers, guess what? Life kinda sucks. On a scale of "not in anguish" to "anguish", the middle seat is right around "my happiness is on hold right now". Hence, when the head-bobbing poof-jacket left the bus, it was totally okay for her to switch seats.

     Then, why not move to the double-seat? Because you're already at the second tier. Mathematically speaking, you're jumping around the bus in an effort to ... what, exactly? It's the side-buddy + one rule: No side buddy? You're at the (0+1) tier. Two side buddies? You're at the (2+1) tier. It's not a difficult concept to wrap your head around.

     And then, as I'm standing there, she goes for the bacon. I swear to you, that single seat - the holy grail - lit up for one smidgen of a second, and as I watched a new passenger start for it (their prerogative, by bus etiquette), she leaps out in front of them and grabs their seat.

Hence, I propose the ten rules of bus etiquette:

1. Unoccupied single or double seats are your first option. Notice that this doesn't give you the right to sit beside me when all of three other people are on the bus.
2. You are allowed one place switch - from a "happiness on hold" seat to one right beside it.
3. People with strollers are going through hell. Going through hell is easier to bear if you're sitting down. Don't be a douche and make them stand.
4. Singing is not permitted.
5. Singing with headphones on is specifically not permitted.
6. Talking on your phone is not permitted.
7. Being yourself is permitted, as long as you're an introvert who just wants some goddamn peace and quiet.
8. The bus driver is not to be heckled. Heckling = slower bus.
9. Keep perspective. Life sucks for everyone.
10. Don't laugh when the short, unbalanced guy in front of you face-plants when the bus stops a bit suddenly. He has class a 8:30 every morning, and #9 specifically applies to him.